How often do you say “I’m fine” when you’re really not? Maybe you’re overwhelmed at work, or frustrated in your relationship, or just exhausted…but it feels easier to brush it off than to explain.
We push things down and carry on like everything’s okay.
But over time, that starts to wear on you. It doesn’t just affect how you feel, it can show up in your body, your relationships, and your overall wellbeing.
Since May is Mental Health Awareness Month (and also Maternal Mental Health Awareness), we wanted to take a closer look at what happens when we get used to hiding how we feel and why this can be especially true for new mothers.
Meta-Analysis: Suppressing Emotions Damages Your Relationships
A 2017 meta-analysis published in the journal Emotion (American Psychological Association) reviewed 43 studies to understand how suppressing emotions affects our social lives and relationships. The researchers analyzed 105 different effect sizes to get a comprehensive picture of what happens interpersonally when people habitually keep their feelings hidden.
The results were clear and consistent across studies. People who regularly suppressed their emotions experienced more negative first impressions from others, received less social support, reported lower social satisfaction, and had poorer romantic relationship quality.
The research also found that expressing positive emotions was associated with better social outcomes, while suppressing emotions, regardless of whether those emotions were positive or negative, was linked to worse outcomes across the board.
Why is This Important?
This is one of those findings that seems counterintuitive at first. Many people hold back their emotions because they believe it will improve their relationships. We hold back our frustration because we don’t want to start a fight. We hide our sadness because we don’t want to worry anyone. We downplay our anxiety because we don’t want to seem weak or needy.
But this research shows that the opposite is actually true. When we consistently hide how we feel, it creates a barrier between us and the people in our lives. Others can sense that something is off, even if they can’t pinpoint what it is. Over time, that distance builds.
Think about it from the other side. When someone you care about always says they’re “fine” even when you know they’re struggling, it doesn’t make you feel closer to them. It makes you feel shut out. You might stop asking how they’re doing because you know you won’t get a real answer. Eventually, the relationship starts to feel surface-level, even if you genuinely care about each other.
The research found that suppression affects romantic relationships especially hard. When one partner is constantly holding back their emotions, it reduces intimacy, trust, and the sense that you’re truly known by the person you’re with.
For anyone who has ever thought “I’m protecting my relationship by not bringing this up,” this study suggests you might actually be doing the opposite. Relationships grow through honesty and emotional vulnerability, not through performance.
Read Article Here
Baylor University: Your Body Pays the Price for Emotional Suppression
A 2024 meta-analysis published in Health Psychology Review by researchers at Baylor University examined the connection between emotional suppression and the body’s physiological stress response. The researchers reviewed both experimental and correlational studies to understand what happens inside our bodies when we push our emotions down.
The findings confirmed what many researchers had long suspected: when people are instructed to suppress their emotions during stressful situations, their bodies show elevated physiological stress responses. Essentially, the act of suppression itself becomes an additional stressor on top of whatever is already causing the emotional reaction.
This means that when you hold back your emotions, your body doesn’t just quietly absorb them. It reacts. Your cardiovascular system works harder, your stress hormones stay elevated, and your body remains in a heightened state of alert, even though outwardly you might look completely calm.
Why is This Important?
This research helps explain the “how” behind the health effects found in the other studies. When you suppress your emotions, you’re essentially asking your body to do two things at once: experience a stressful or emotional situation AND actively work to hide that experience from the outside world. That’s a lot of internal effort.
Imagine you’re in a meeting and your boss says something that makes you angry. On the outside, you nod and smile. But on the inside, your heart rate increases, your blood pressure rises, and stress hormones flood your system. Your body is preparing for a response that you’ve decided not to allow.
Now imagine that happening multiple times a day, every day, for years. The researchers suggest that this pattern essentially turns emotional suppression into a chronic stressor. Your body never fully gets to process and release the stress because you’re constantly overriding its natural responses.
Read Article Here
May is Also Maternal Mental Health Awareness Month
Everything we just discussed about emotional suppression takes on an even deeper meaning when we look at what new mothers go through. If there’s one group of people who face relentless pressure to perform “fine,” it’s moms, especially in the early postpartum period.
The expectations are enormous: bond with your baby instantly, breastfeed without difficulty, bounce back physically, keep your household running, and do it all with a smile. And when reality doesn’t match that picture, many mothers don’t reach out for help. Instead, they go quiet. They push through. They tell everyone they’re fine.
UK Study: The Shame and Guilt That Keeps New Mothers Silent
A 2024 study published in the European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology and Education by researchers at the University of Liverpool explored what guilt and shame actually feel like for women in the early postpartum period. The researchers conducted in-depth interviews with 20 women who had given birth within the past 16 weeks.
What they found was striking, but probably not surprising to any mother who has lived through those early weeks. Every single participant had internalized unrealistic ideals about what motherhood was supposed to look like. When their actual experience didn’t match those ideals, the gap between expectation and reality became a source of intense guilt and shame.
Mothers described feeling guilty about everything: not bonding with their baby quickly enough, struggling with breastfeeding, needing a break, feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, or simply not feeling the way they thought they were supposed to feel. Physical recovery from birth made things harder, as many women felt unable to parent the way they wanted while their bodies were still healing.
Perhaps most concerning was the finding that participants were hesitant to talk to anyone about what they were going through. They feared being judged. They worried that admitting they were struggling would mean they were a bad mother. So instead of reaching out, they kept it to themselves, which only deepened the cycle of shame and isolation.
Why is This Important?
This study captures something that millions of mothers experience but rarely talk about openly: the feeling that struggling means failing.
There’s this unspoken expectation that motherhood should come naturally, that you should be grateful and happy all the time, and that needing help is a sign that something is wrong with you. When a new mother is exhausted, overwhelmed, crying for no reason, or feeling disconnected from her baby, the last thing she wants to hear is “enjoy every moment” or “you should be grateful.” But that’s often exactly what she gets.
What makes this especially painful is that the shame itself becomes the barrier to getting better. A mother who feels guilty about struggling is unlikely to tell her doctor, her partner, or her friends. She’s not going to ask for help because asking for help feels like proof that she’s not good enough. So she stays stuck in a cycle where the thing that could help her, being honest about how she feels, is the very thing shame won’t let her do.
Read Article Here
Final Thoughts
Keeping everything in might look like strength. But the research tells a different story. Keeping everything inside doesn’t make you stronger. Over time, it can leave you feeling drained, disconnected, and alone.
Mental Health Awareness Month is a good time to ask yourself: where in my life am I performing “fine” instead of actually being honest? And what would it look like to let someone in, even just a little?
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to stop pretending that you do.
source https://getreconnected.ca/blog/may-2026-get-reconnected-newsletter-insights-on-the-mental-health-cost-of-always-being-fine/
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