You don’t need to have faced infertility to feel Serena Joy Waterford’s desperation. But if you have, some scenes land differently. Not because they mirror reality, but because they expose something emotionally true: the quiet unraveling that can happen when your ability to conceive becomes uncertain, and your future unpredictable.
This isn’t a critique of characters or politics. This is about the psychological toll that infertility can take and how a TV series fiction sometimes gives us the language to speak truths we haven’t yet named.
Fertility and Identity Loss
The Drive to Have a Child: More Than Desire, Often Identity
Infertility doesn’t just challenge biology…it can destabilize identity. Many people grow up imagining who they’ll be as parents, picturing names, birthdays, baby clothes. When that path becomes unclear, the loss isn’t only physical, it’s personal.
In The Handmaid’s Tale, we see this reflected in the structure of Gilead, a repressive, dystopian regime that claims to solve the fertility crisis by reducing fertile women to handmaids, treated as surrogates and denied autonomy over their bodies and uterus.
The system views reproduction as duty and pregnancy as salvation.
The commander’s wife, Serena Waterford, feels this pressure. In Gilead, infertile women of status must watch handmaids become pregnant with their husband’s child. The ceremony, a state-mandated act of rape masked as ritual is a symbol of the mental collapse that follows when control becomes more important than compassion.
That’s what many people grappling with infertility feel, too. Not the desire for control in a societal sense, but a desire to reclaim agency over their lives, bodies, and futures.
When month after month brings no progress, it can feel like the only option left is to do more, try harder, or create structure where there is only waiting.
The Grief of Trying Without Guarantee
What makes infertility uniquely painful is its lack of closure. There’s no timeline. No guarantee. Just a recurring cycle of hope, anticipation, and loss. It’s a grief that resets each month.
In that state of chronic uncertainty, people can feel invisible. Baby showers sting. Social media posts celebrate what you’re still working toward. Even well-meaning questions can feel like reminders that you’re behind in a race you didn’t ask to join.
And for some, the need to find something—anything—to hold onto becomes survival. It’s not about control, it’s about exhaustion. The emotional toll of endlessly adjusting expectations, grieving silently, and navigating a world that still defines women by their ability to become pregnant or reproduce.
What The Handmaid’s Tale Gets Emotionally Right
Why This Matters Beyond Fiction
In Canada, 1 in 6 couples are experiencing infertility. It’s a significant part of the community. And while science now offers options like IVF, the emotional weight hasn’t gone away. We are still seeing a decline in fertility. Male infertility is rising, too.
The Handmaid’s story is fictional, but the emotions are real. It teaches us how unresolved grief and societal pressure can reshape identity. The fertility crisis in the show mirrors very real conversations happening today, about women’s rights, women’s bodies, medical access, and the social and political structures that shape care.
To learn more about the psychological effects of infertility, visit the American Psychiatric Association’s resource or read this article from Harvard Health on infertility grief.
This Isn’t About Villains or Victims…It’s About Humanity
When we talk about infertility through the lens of fiction, the goal isn’t to compare lives to stories. It’s to extract the emotions…the grief, the longing, the identity loss, and give them space.
There’s no shame in wanting a child deeply. There’s no failure in not having one yet. And there’s no virtue in pretending it doesn’t affect you.
What We Can Learn About Coping and Compassion
As a reproductive trauma therapist, I’ve seen how invisible this pain can be. People often don’t know how to talk about it. Friends don’t know how to ask. Partners can feel helpless. And so, many suffer alone.
But there are tools. There’s language. There are paths forward that don’t require you to suppress, hide, or harden.
You don’t have to become someone else to survive this.
Delia Petrescu is a reproductive trauma therapist who helps individuals process the emotional complexities of infertility and identity loss. She offers therapy that is rooted in trauma-informed, emotion-focused, and narrative approaches. Interested in her approach and style? Book a free consultation.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is infertility still something people don’t talk about?
Yes, unfortunately. Even with more awareness today, infertility can feel like something you’re supposed to hide. People often don’t know what to say, and the person going through it may feel like they’re broken or somehow failing. That silence can make an already painful experience feel even more isolating.
How is grief connected to infertility?
It’s not just sadness about not being pregnant. It’s grieving the life you imagined, the child you hoped for, and sometimes even your sense of self. What makes it harder is that the loss isn’t always clear-cut. The hope comes and goes, especially with ongoing treatments, and that can make the grief feel endless and complicated.
Why does The Handmaid’s Tale feel so real to people going through infertility?
Because it taps into emotions that aren’t just fictional. When you’ve been poked and prodded in clinics, when your body feels like it’s not your own, and when people make assumptions about your worth based on whether or not you can have children, the show stops feeling like a warning and starts feeling like a mirror.
Can the show or book be triggering if I’m going through infertility?
Yes, it can be. Some scenes hit hard, especially if you’ve experienced medical trauma, pregnancy loss, or felt pressured about your fertility.
How can therapy support someone dealing with infertility?
Therapy can give you space to breathe. It’s a place where you don’t have to pretend to be okay or explain why you’re grieving something others might not see. A therapist can help you process the emotional rollercoaster of treatments, explore your options, and feel a little more in control again.
What is reproductive trauma, really?
It’s the emotional wounds that can come from things like infertility, pregnancy loss, complicated medical procedures, or even feeling like your body is being treated more like a problem than a person. It’s different for everyone, but the common thread is that it shakes your sense of safety and identity in a deep way.
Get Reconnected Therapy – FAQ
Do you offer therapy for infertility-related grief and loss?
Yes. We work with individuals and couples navigating the emotional toll of infertility, including grief after pregnancy loss, failed IVF cycles, or difficult decisions around donor conception. You don’t have to go through it alone or explain why this kind of loss is real. We recognize that fertility struggles often bring layered grief that deserves a space of its own.
What is Accelerated Resolution Therapy and how can it help with reproductive trauma?
Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) is a gentle but effective approach that helps the brain process painful experiences without needing to relive every detail.
If you’ve experienced medical trauma, pregnancy loss, or emotionally distressing fertility treatments, ART can help you move forward with less heaviness in your body and mind.
How does Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) support people coping with fertility challenges?
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) gives you tools to ride the emotional waves. If you’re swinging between hope and despair, or struggling with anger, sadness, or shame, DBT offers real-life strategies to regulate those intense emotions. It helps create space between the trigger and the response so you can stay grounded through unpredictable moments.
What is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and why is it useful for people facing uncertainty about their fertility?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) helps you stop fighting with uncertainty and instead focus on living in line with your values.
When the future feels out of your hands—whether it’s not knowing if treatment will work or not having answers right away—ACT helps you stay connected to what matters, even in the middle of the unknown.
I don’t know what kind of therapy I need. Can someone help me figure that out?
Absolutely. We offer free 15-minute consultations so you can speak with our fertility therapist, Delia Petrescu and get a sense of what kind of support might work best for you.
Is everything virtual or do you offer in-person sessions too?
We offer both. Many of our clients prefer virtual sessions from the comfort of their own homes, but we also provide in-person therapy at our Yonge & Eglinton office in Toronto.
In-person sessions are available for fertility therapy, trauma-focused therapy, and A.R.T.
source https://getreconnected.ca/the-handmaids-tale-and-the-infertility-crisis-control-loss-and-longing/
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