Do you find yourself saying yes to others before truly considering it?
Do you often feel regret when it’s time to follow through on those commitments?
It’s natural to be considerate. After all, humans are biologically wired to cooperate and respond to our environment. In many ways, our survival has depended on it.
Interestingly, the first contract in human history wasn’t a legal document, it was a social contract. Long before written agreements, different groups formed unspoken treaties to ensure cooperation, safety, and mutual survival.
This instinct to maintain harmony isn’t just cultural, it’s deeply wired into us.
By securing our environment and strengthening our social bonds, we create a sense of safety that allows us to navigate the world with less conflict.
But what happens when this natural instinct to cooperate and maintain harmony starts working against you?
Understanding people-pleasing isn’t just about being kind or considerate.
People-pleasing is a pattern of behaviour where you feel an obligation to meet everyone’s expectations, often at the expense of your own needs and well-being.
If you find yourself prioritizing the needs of others to avoid conflict, rejection, or disapproval, you might be caught in the people-pleasing cycle.
The tricky part? It can be so ingrained that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
You may think you’re just being helpful, easygoing, or a “good friend,” when in reality, you might be stretching yourself too thin, silencing your own needs, or carrying a quiet resentment that no one seems to notice (or appreciate) how much you do.
You tend to ignore your own needs while going to great lengths to ensure others feel happy, comfortable, and satisfied.
So, how do you know if you have people pleasing tendencies?
What are the signs of people-pleasing behaviours that go beyond just being nice?
In this blog we’ll talk about the subtle (and not-so-subtle) red flags that might indicate you’re putting others before yourself a little too often.
We also explore the impact of people-pleasing and provide strategies for breaking the habit of people-pleasing.
Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
1. You Struggle to Say No
Saying no is about setting boundaries, and when trying to please others, boundaries can feel terrifying.
Why? Because saying no might come with consequences…fear of losing a relationship, fear of being judged, or fear of no longer being seen as the “fixer” who’s always available.
If your identity has been built around saying yes, rejecting a request can feel like rejecting a part of yourself.
It can also feel like you’re risking your place in someone’s life, whether it’s a friendship, a job, or a family dynamic.
If saying no makes you feel like your worth or likeability is at stake, that’s a red flag you may be a people pleaser.
What You Can Do: Establish Healthy Boundaries with Yourself First
Just because you understand someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you have to take them on as your own.
You can care about what they’re going through while still honouring your own emotions.
Think of boundaries as a way to keep people in your life, not push them away.
Without boundaries, resentment builds.
With boundaries, relationships become more balanced.
Try this: Do a social experiment with yourself.
Every time you say no to something, ask: “What am I saying yes to instead?” Maybe you’re saying yes to your well-being, your time, your mental peace.
If you find yourself constantly agreeing to things you don’t want to do, whether it’s extra work, social events, or favours … this could be a sign of people-pleasing behaviour.
2. You Feel Responsible for Others’ Feelings
It’s important to take responsibility for your words and actions, especially if they’ve hurt someone.
… But people-pleasers often take it a step further, believing they are responsible for how others feel, even when it’s beyond their control.
For example, if someone is upset, do you immediately feel like you must “fix” it? Do you struggle to separate what’s yours to own versus what someone else is bringing from their own experiences?
People-pleasers often blur the lines between caring and carrying.
They take on emotions that aren’t theirs, believing that if someone else is unhappy, it must be their fault, or their job to make it better.
What You Can Do: Be Honest with Yourself
Ask yourself: What am I really afraid of? Fear of rejection? Fear of being disliked? Fear of conflict?
Understanding the root can help you break the cycle.
You don’t have to carry someone else’s emotions to be a compassionate person.
3. You Seek Approval and Validation
Do you feel uneasy if someone seems upset with you? Do you overanalyze conversations, wondering if you said the “wrong” thing?
For people pleasers, self-worth is often tied to external validation. If people are happy with them, they feel okay.
If someone is upset, they feel like they’ve failed. It’s like constantly waiting for a report card…
If people smile at you, you get an A. If they frown, it’s a D.
But living at the mercy of other people’s reactions is exhausting.
It’s also impossible to control.
What You Can Do: Set Personal Rules for Yourself
Your personal integrity should not be up for negotiation. If a request makes you uncomfortable or goes against your values, remind yourself: Saying yes to someone else should not mean saying no to yourself.
The more you practice making decisions based on your own values, rather than others’ expectations, the more self-trust you’ll build.
4. You Avoid Conflict at All Costs
Do you go along with things just to “keep the peace,” even when you don’t agree?
And it makes sense because disagreement can feel like rejection. You might fear that speaking up will make others upset, lead to confrontation, or even damage a relationship.
But constantly suppressing your true thoughts and feelings leads to frustration, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
Think of it this way: If avoiding external conflict is creating internal conflict, it’s time to reconsider.
If you frequently catch yourself thinking, I wish I had spoken up, or I wish I had set a boundary, it might be time to reassess.
How to Reevaluate
Ask yourself: Am I in harmony with myself? If saying yes to something throws you off balance… if it makes you feel disconnected from your values, it’s probably something worth saying no to.
What You Can Do: Reframe Conflict as Healthy Communication
Not all conflict is destructive. In fact, addressing issues directly often leads to stronger, more authentic relationships.
If you struggle to speak up, start small:
- Practice disagreeing in low-stakes situations. If a friend suggests a restaurant you don’t like, voice your opinion instead of going along with it.
- Use “I” statements. Instead of saying, You always ignore my feelings, try: I feel unheard when my concerns are dismissed.
- Pause before responding. If your instinct is to immediately agree, take a deep breath and ask yourself, Do I actually want this?
The more you practice, the easier it becomes to assert yourself without guilt.
5. You Apologize Excessively
Do you find yourself saying “sorry” for things that don’t actually require an apology? While acknowledging mistakes is important, over-apologizing can signal deeper issues … like guilt, insecurity, or a fear of upsetting others.
Saying sorry can become a reflex.
You might apologize for taking up space, for asking a question, or even for someone else’s mistake.
But when every sentence starts with I’m sorry, it reinforces the idea that you are somehow at fault … when in reality, you’re not.
What You Can Do: Replace Apologies with Gratitude or Assertiveness
Next time you catch yourself about to say sorry, ask: Did I actually do something wrong? If not, swap it for something more confident:
- Instead of Sorry for being late, say Thanks for waiting for me.
- Instead of Sorry for asking so many questions, say I appreciate your help clarifying this.
- Instead of Sorry, can I say something? say I’d like to add something here.
Shifting your language helps reinforce self-worth and reduces unnecessary guilt.
6. You Overcommit and Feel Overwhelmed
Do you say yes to every request, even when your schedule is already packed?
Overcommitting is a common habit among people pleasers because saying no feels like letting someone down.
But constantly taking on more than you can handle leads to exhaustion, stress, and burnout.
At first, it might feel good to be the “go-to person” that everyone relies on.
But when you’re stretched too thin, your well-being takes a hit.
You might feel drained, resentful, or even start dreading interactions with the very people you wanted to help.
What You Can Do: Set Limits Before You’re Overwhelmed
Instead of automatically saying yes, give yourself time to decide:
- Try saying, Let me check my schedule and get back to you. This gives you space to assess whether you truly have the time and energy.
- Create a “yes” budget. Decide in advance how many commitments you can realistically handle each week, and stick to it.
- Prioritize your well-being: If saying yes to someone else means saying no to your own rest, reconsider.
Protecting your time isn’t selfish … It’s necessary for your health and happiness.
7. You Feel Guilty Prioritizing Yourself
If taking time for yourself feels selfish, you may have been conditioned to believe that your needs don’t matter as much as others’.
People pleasers often struggle with the idea that rest, self-care, and personal goals are just as important as helping others.
You might feel uneasy declining invitations, taking a break, or setting boundaries because deep down, you worry that prioritizing yourself means disappointing someone else.
But the truth is, constantly putting yourself last only leads to burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
What You Can Do: Reframe Self-Care as a Responsibility
Caring for yourself doesn’t mean you care less about others. It actually allows you to show up for them in a healthier way. Start by:
- Scheduling “you” time just like you would any other commitment. Treat it as non-negotiable.
- Not justifying your need for rest. You don’t need an excuse to take time for yourself. Simply saying I need a break is enough.
- Recognizing that saying yes to yourself is just as valid as saying yes to others.
When you take care of yourself, you’re not being selfish, you’re setting an example of healthy boundaries.
Key Takeaways
If you recognize yourself in these signs, know that you’re not alone. Pleasing people often stems from a desire to be accepted, avoid conflict, or maintain relationships. But the good news is that you can break the cycle.
Start by practicing small acts of self-advocacy: saying no when you mean it, setting clear boundaries, and reminding yourself that your worth isn’t determined by how much you do for others. You deserve relationships where you are valued for who you are, not just for what you give.
FAQs About People-Pleasing
1. How do I stop being a people-pleaser?
Breaking free from people pleasing starts with self-awareness. Recognize where you tend to overextend yourself, practice setting small boundaries, and remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to how much you do for others.
Therapy can also help you unlearn patterns and build confidence in asserting your needs.
2. Is people-pleasing a trauma response?
Yes, for some people, people pleasing develops as a fawn response to trauma. This means that instead of fighting or running away, you learn to appease others as a way to stay safe or maintain relationships.
If you’ve grown up in an environment where approval was tied to love or security, you may have developed people pleasing as a coping mechanism.
3. What is the difference between being kind and being a people-pleaser?
Kindness comes from a place of genuine care and generosity, while people-pleasing is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a need for approval.
The key difference is that kindness doesn’t drain you. It’s a choice, not an obligation.
If saying yes feels exhausting or resentful, it may be people-pleasing rather than kindness.
4. Can people-pleasing be a sign of anxiety or low self-esteem?
Yes, people-pleasing is often linked to social anxiety, low self-worth, or fear of rejection.
If you constantly worry about how others perceive you, feel guilty setting boundaries, or struggle to assert yourself, seeking therapy can help you find the root cause of what’s keeping you stuck in a cycle of always saying yes and appeasing everyone.
5. Can therapy help with people-pleasing?
Absolutely. Therapy can help you understand why you people-please, identify underlying fears, and help you get to healthier ways to set boundaries and prioritize yourself.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) and trauma-informed approaches can all be helpful in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
6. What types of therapy do you offer at Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services?
We offer individual therapy, couples counseling, and group therapy for various concerns, including anxiety, depression, self-esteem, people-pleasing, burnout, ADHD, phobias, trauma, fertility-related mental health, and couples.
7. Do you offer therapy for people struggling with people-pleasing?
Many of our clients seek support for boundary-setting, self-esteem, and learning to prioritize their own needs without guilt.
If you recognize patterns of people-pleasing and want to develop healthier relationships with yourself and others, we can help.
8. Is therapy at Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services covered by OHIP?
No, psychotherapy is not covered by OHIP in Ontario. However, many private insurance plans provide coverage for psychotherapy with a Registered Psychotherapist (RP).
We recommend checking with your insurance provider to see what services are covered.
9. Do you offer virtual therapy sessions?
Yes! We offer virtual psychotherapy services across Ontario through a secure platform called Jane App.
10. How do I book a session at Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services?
You can book a free consultation here or through our website, Get Reconnected Psychotherapy Services, or contact us via email.
During the consultation, we’ll discuss your needs, answer any questions, and determine if we’re the right fit for you.
source https://getreconnected.ca/signs-people-pleaser-what-to-do/
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