Infertility can leave you feeling like the ground has been pulled out from under you. It’s not just about not being able to get pregnant —it’s the loss of the life you pictured, the dreams you nurtured, and the milestones you thought were certain.
The grief of infertility is messy, complicated, and deeply personal. While everyone’s journey is different, there are common stages that many people experience.
Here’s a look at what those nine grief stages can feel like.
Infertility Grief
1. Shock
Hearing the words “infertility” for the first time feels like someone hit pause on your world. It’s surreal. This can’t be real, right? There’s this moment where your brain struggles to catch up with the idea that something you assumed would just happen is now in question. Everything feels frozen.
What Can You Do?
Give yourself time to process.
When you first hear the diagnosis or face the reality, it’s normal to not have all the answers. Sit with it, let it sink in. You don’t have to “fix” it right away. Journaling or even just taking a quiet walk can help you start making sense of the chaos in your head.
2. Denial
Maybe the doctor’s wrong. Maybe it’s just stress. Maybe next month will be different. You hold onto every shred of hope that this is temporary. Googling miracle stories and success after failed attempts becomes second nature. You’re not ready to believe this is really happening to you.
What Can You Do?
Balance hope with facts.
Grief is a complex process, and it’s natural to cling to hope. But don’t get stuck in endless “maybe ifs.” It’s helpful to talk to your doctor, friend, or a fertility counsellor about realistic options. Having a plan—even a rough one—can help you feel like you’re taking control without losing sight of reality.
3. Isolation
Struggling with infertility has a way of making you feel like you’re on an island. Friends don’t understand, family doesn’t always say the right thing, and the last place you want to be is at a baby shower or scrolling through social media. It’s easier to avoid people than to explain or risk hearing well-meaning but hurtful comments like, “Just relax, and it’ll happen.”
What Can You Do?
Find your people.
You don’t have to tell everyone, but talking to someone who gets it can be a lifeline. Join a support group (online or in-person) or connect with a therapist who specializes in infertility. Sometimes just hearing “me too” can make all the difference.
4. Anger
The anger can feel overwhelming. It’s not just about being upset—it’s a rage at how unfair this is. Why does your body feel like it’s betraying you? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else? Why are you the one who has to go through this? Every pregnancy announcement and every casual comment about kids feels like a knife straight to your heart.
What Can You Do?
Let it out.
Anger needs an outlet. Go for a run, scream into a pillow, or write an uncensored rant in a journal. Bottling it up doesn’t help. And if you find yourself snapping at loved ones, take a moment to explain what you’re feeling—it can stop misunderstandings before they start.
5. Bargaining
This is the stage of what ifs and maybe if I just…. You dive into research mode, trying every diet, supplement, or fertility treatment that could possibly work. You start thinking, If I do X, maybe Y will happen. It’s exhausting, but it feels like the only way to keep hope alive.
What Can You Do?
Take breaks from the “what ifs.”
It’s tempting to research every possible fertility option, but it can become overwhelming. Set boundaries for yourself—like only spending an hour a day researching—and make space for non-reproductive activities that bring you joy.
6. Guilt
The guilt is relentless. You start replaying every decision you’ve ever made. Did I wait too long? Should I have gone to the doctor earlier? Did I do something wrong? Deep down, you know it’s not your fault, but the guilt doesn’t care. It just lingers, making an already hard situation feel heavier.
What Can You Do?
Be kind to yourself!
Remind yourself that infertility is not your fault. Write down a list of things you did do right, like advocating for yourself or seeking help when you needed it. Whenever guilt creeps in, read the list and remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.
7. Depression
There’s a point where the weight of it all feels like too much. The sadness seeps into everything. The things that used to bring you joy now feel meaningless. Month after month, the disappointment compounds, making it harder to stay hopeful. It’s hard to think about the future when all you can see is what you’ve lost. Even getting out of bed can feel like a struggle.
What Can You Do?
Focus on tiny steps!
Depression can make even the smallest tasks feel impossible. Start small—get out of bed, take a shower, or go outside for five minutes. Celebrate those tiny wins. And if it feels too heavy to handle on your own, reach out to a therapist. There’s no shame in getting help.
8. Envy
You don’t want to feel it, but the jealousy creeps in. Seeing pregnant friends, new babies, or even a family in a TV commercial can hit like a gut punch. It’s not that you’re not happy for them—it’s just that their happiness feels like a reminder of what you don’t have.
What Can You Do?
Set boundaries!
It’s okay to say no to baby showers, skip scrolling through social media, or gently tell a friend you need a break from hearing about their pregnancy. Protect your energy. And remind yourself that feeling envy doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human.
9. Acceptance
Acceptance doesn’t mean everything’s okay. It doesn’t mean the pain is gone. It means you’ve started to make room for the grief without letting it completely consume you. Maybe you’re still trying treatments, or maybe you’re exploring other options like adoption or surrogacy.
Acceptance is about finding a way to move forward, even if the path looks different than you imagined.
What Can You Do?
Define what acceptance looks like for you!
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up—it means figuring out how to move forward in a way that feels right for you. Maybe it’s continuing IVF treatments, exploring other paths to parenthood, or shifting focus to things outside of having kids. Whatever it is, let it be on your terms.
Key Take Aways
Infertility grief is heavy, but it’s not something you have to carry alone. Whether you’re cycling through these stages or feel stuck in one, know that there’s no “right” way to do this. Give yourself grace. Seek support when you need it. And remember, even in the hardest moments, hope has a way of finding you again.
At Get Reconnected, Delia Petrescu specializes in the grief and stress that comes from struggling to conceive. Book a free 15-minute consultation so we can talk about how I can be of help!
source https://getreconnected.ca/the-9-stages-of-infertility-grief-how-to-cope/
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